||[Apr. 24th, 2006|10:03 pm]
After long, long absence, I finally remembered to wander back here, |
and it's really, really startling to notice how many of my thoughts have come full-circle since then.
I've been itchy lately. I figured out that I was having so many problems doing things like applying to grad school and so on because they really weren't what I was supposed to be doing, and within a week or two after I decided that I was just going to *wait* and let God show me what to do, I heard about a job I'm really excited about. I don't have it yet (in fact, it doesn't exist yet) and I feel silly for finding myself making all these plans in my head for something I don't know for sure will even happen yet. If the result is "wait more", then I'll be hurt by God's will, and it'll be my own fault for making foundationless plans. But I can't seem to stop.
And I'm having problems doing things like reading Scripture and praying regularly, but I can't believe that that's because they aren't what I'm supposed to be doing. And more and more and more of the time dreaming of heaven and hoping that soon Jesus will come back and we can just be done with this whole life-on-earth thing. I can't seem to make any of the changes I want to, and it's starting to hurt to think about how much failing I've done. And I don't understand why I can't get in touch with the vibrance of living that goes on all around me. I know it's there; I see it and touch it and taste it, but it is not within me. Is this "be in the world but not of it"? I'll take it, if it is, but it seems like a concrete angel's existence.
I'm hung between what has been and what could have been.
I hope people are doing better than I am. How are things? I'm sorry to have been gone so long.