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Whoa [Apr. 24th, 2006|10:03 pm]
errant_saints

errant_saints

[lucypevensie]
After long, long absence, I finally remembered to wander back here,

and it's really, really startling to notice how many of my thoughts have come full-circle since then.


I've been itchy lately. I figured out that I was having so many problems doing things like applying to grad school and so on because they really weren't what I was supposed to be doing, and within a week or two after I decided that I was just going to *wait* and let God show me what to do, I heard about a job I'm really excited about. I don't have it yet (in fact, it doesn't exist yet) and I feel silly for finding myself making all these plans in my head for something I don't know for sure will even happen yet. If the result is "wait more", then I'll be hurt by God's will, and it'll be my own fault for making foundationless plans. But I can't seem to stop.

And I'm having problems doing things like reading Scripture and praying regularly, but I can't believe that that's because they aren't what I'm supposed to be doing. And more and more and more of the time dreaming of heaven and hoping that soon Jesus will come back and we can just be done with this whole life-on-earth thing. I can't seem to make any of the changes I want to, and it's starting to hurt to think about how much failing I've done. And I don't understand why I can't get in touch with the vibrance of living that goes on all around me. I know it's there; I see it and touch it and taste it, but it is not within me. Is this "be in the world but not of it"? I'll take it, if it is, but it seems like a concrete angel's existence.

I'm hung between what has been and what could have been.


I hope people are doing better than I am. How are things? I'm sorry to have been gone so long.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: springdove
2006-04-25 01:58 pm (UTC)
the community's been rather silent for a while, so it's not just you. :) i guess everyone has lots going on.

i understand about feeling "itchy." i feel rather lost and just unsure about what to do and where to go with my life. i'm in a good job...that i hate. i'm in a nice town...that i hate. i want to be patient and wait for God to show me what He's doing, but i also just want this whole period to be over. i want to have friends again, and i want to get married! (wah). anyway, i didn't mean to throw a pity party. my point is really that i know God has something for me in this time, but i'm having a tough time accepting it and learning it.

i think that the 20s are a great time because there's so much possibility and freedom, but at the same time, they're really difficult because we're trying to figure out so many things about what our life is going to boil down to. in the confusion of all that, the "concrete angel" that you speak of seems to take over sometimes.

thanks for your post. i really appreciated it. it's nice to know one is not alone.
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[User Picture]From: lucypevensie
2006-04-25 11:52 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to know I'm in it together with someone (horribly constructed sentence, but still what I mean.) As for wanting to have friends - I still have my college ones (for another week and a half ... AAAAARGH ::sobs:: ) but I'm getting anxious about what happens after that. I have friends all over the state, really, but the problem is that they're ALL OVER the state, a few here and a few there. And I don't even want to get started on the marriage thing. ::mumbles to self::

Uhm, rambling yes. ....Anyway. Maybe I'll ramble here again periodically :)
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[User Picture]From: springdove
2006-04-26 02:23 pm (UTC)
seriously...i feel what you're saying. my friends from college are spread out all over the east coast (and into the middle part of the country). and i broke up just last year with the guy i dated for 4 1/2 years through college. i totally thought i was going to marry him. now...i just feel lonely and depressed most of the time.

but don't think that it'll necessarily be like that for you! i'm just going through a rough period in my life right now. it wasn't like this for me right after college (i've been out 3 years now), and i'm sure this will end. so think positively. :)
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[User Picture]From: lucypevensie
2006-04-26 09:15 pm (UTC)

O_o

I'm sorry to hear that :(

It's kinda cosmic that you should mention marriage - I've recently had a few of my life's plot twists that I thought I had figured out thrown into my face rather unceremoniously. Which probably adds exponentially to my trepidation about the job and the future in general.

Hopeful thought of the day: only 14 more student-teaching days, and then I am FREE LIKE A BIRD!
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